I Should Have Taken the People of Skåne and Småland Seriously

I was doing a bit of everything around the farm today and, among other things, decided to take some cuttings from the privet hedge. So I did. Into the hedge, snip a few nice shoots, then down to the greenhouse to remove the leaves, grab some pots and fill them with soil.

After a while my scalp started itching a little, but I didn’t think much of it. I’d just been standing inside a hedge. Then it started itching a little more. Then my neck. I absentmindedly scratched my head and kept planting.

I picked up my phone to continue reading the propagation instructions.

That’s when I saw something tiny and black, about a millimeter long, fall onto the screen.

And start moving.

Then another one.

My brain completely shut down.

Lice.

I know that’s completely irrational. I haven’t been around any preschoolers, and I haven’t hugged anyone but Pär in months. Logic said it couldn’t possibly be lice, but once your brain has made up its mind, it has very little interest in logic. My whole body suddenly started itching like crazy, and I was already mentally planning a full-scale decontamination of the house.

When I looked down at my arms, they were crawling with them. I probably wasn’t covered in millions, but five thrips per square centimeter of skin doesn’t feel like an unreasonable estimate.

Tiny black insects were crawling across my arms, my hands and my shirt. The more I saw, the more everything itched. I started frantically brushing them off, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. There just seemed to be more of them. Since the garden hose was lying right next to me, I simply grabbed it and hosed myself down, clothes and all. It was absolutely disgusting. They seemed to cling to my skin, and the itching when you could actually see them crawling around…

A quick Google search told me I’d been invaded by thrips.

And then I remembered.

I’d been warned.

Both people from Skåne and Småland had told me, “Just wait until you run into thrips.” I remember mostly smiling and thinking they were exaggerating. How could anything possibly be worse than giant spiders, killer slugs and, not to mention, ticks? Tiny insects that are only interested in plants couldn’t possibly be that bad.

Well, these little monsters, apparently far too small to have much of a brain, don’t seem to understand that I’m not actually a shrub. So they take a little taste. They crawl around. They get absolutely everywhere and somehow manage to make your entire body itch.

So I’d like to send a little message to all the people from Skåne and Småland who actually tried to warn me.

You should have been much clearer.

What you should have said was:

“One day you’ll be covered in tiny, crawling, disgusting, lice-like bugs, and it’ll drive you so completely insane that you won’t hesitate to hose yourself down with a powerful stream of ice cold water.”

P.S. Unfortunately, I don’t have any photos of the little monsters. Taking pictures never even crossed my mind while I was busy trying to wash them off.

I did consider going back outside and asking Pär to take a few photos for you, but the thought of voluntarily exposing myself to those little horrors again—and no, this time I’m not talking about Pär—is honestly too revolting.

So you’ll have to settle for a photo I found on Google.